The Lord Of The Rings, Chapter By Chapter: Index

Since the index page I threw up for my “Decisive Battles” pulls in a good bit of traffic, I figure I should do the same for my Chapter by Chapter reviews of The Lord of the Rings.

If you want to check out my series on The Hobbit, click here.

Note: While I like to have fun with the chapter descriptions here, I feel honor bound to say that this series isn’t comedic, for the most part.

So far:

The Fellowship of the Ring

Book One

Chapter One: A Long-Expected Party – Where we find out that the Ring can turn people both invisible and into an asshole.

Chapter Two: The Shadow Of The Past – Gandalf explains the plot to the rea…I mean Frodo.

Chapter Three: Three Is Company – The most epic journey in English literature begins. Oh, and a talking fox turns up at one point.

Chapter Four: A Shortcut To Mushrooms – Where I start reading way too much into Frodo’s “troubled” childhood.

Chapter Five: A Conspiracy Unmasked – That’s right. Fatty Lumpkin was on the grassy knoll.

Chapter Six: The Old Forest – Frodo snaps under the pressure. Luckily, the most rational character imaginable is there to save him.

Chapter Seven: In The House Of Tom Bombadil: I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something very strange about this couple…

Chapter Eight: Fog On The Barrow-Downs – The hobbits get sleepy. Tom gets exasperated. Frodo gets some balls. The reader gets confused.

Chapter Nine: At The Sign Of The Prancing Pony – Having resolutely decided to be more careful from now, the group decide to get drunk with no regrettable consequences.

Chapter Ten: Strider – A scruffy, suspicious looking vagabond turns up the hobbits room. Frodo and Pippin make him feel at home, while Sam slams his head of a table.

Chapter Eleven: A Knife In The Dark – Aragorn tries leading the group to safety, belatedly realising he’s doing the exact opposite.

Chapter Twelve: Flight To The Ford – Slouching towards Rivendell, then the banjo music starts.

Book Two

Chapter One: Many Meetings – “Hope you didn’t have any problems getting here Frodo!”

Chapter Two: The Council Of Elrond – The Galactic Senate’s got nothing on these guys.

Chapter Three: The Ring Goes South – Elrond is unhelpful, Gandalf is grumpy, Sam is stupid and the mountains are angry.

Chapter Four: A Journey In The Dark – Actually, a lot of this chapter takes place in the light. Also, wolves!

Chapter Five: The Bridge Of Khazad Dum – “Western Road doesn’t sound so stupid now, huh?” thinks Boromir.

Chapter Six: Lothlorien – We interrupt your quest to bring you this trippy detour through the hippy forest.

Chapter Seven: The Mirror Of Galadriel – Maybe she’s on something. Maybe she’s into Frodo. Either way, she’s very odd.

Chapter Eight: Farewell To Lorien – Good guests know when to leave. Better hosts know when to make them.

Chapter Nine: The Great River – Rapids, wasteland, Orcs, Gollum, “Fell Beasts”…What’s so great about this damn river?

Chapter Ten: The Breaking Of The Fellowship – Boromir says: “Give me the Ring. Aww, come on, just for a sec. I’ll be your friend…”

The Two Towers

Book Three

Chapter One – The Departure Of Boromir: Aragorn and Legolas have some mad freestyle dirge skills.

Chapter Two – The Riders Of Rohan: You know what would explain how the three guys can run non-stop for three days? A Rocky montage.

Chapter Three – The Uruk-Hai: Mordor and Isengard trade “Er we go, er, we go, er we go’s” for a while. Merry and Pippin just watch and trade lembas instead.

Chapter Four – Treebeard: “That’s right fellow Ents, Saurman has WMDs! We have to intervene!”

Chapter Five – The White Rider: “Gandalf! How the hell…” “No time for explanations Aragorn, the plot calls!”

Chapter Six – The King Of The Golden Hall: Black clothes? Pale? No eyebrows? Perving on that guy’s sister? Weird nickname? Probably evil.

Chapter Seven – Helm’s Deep: He writes such meaningful poetry.

Chapter Eight – The Road To Isengard: It’s paved with good intentions. And Uruk corpses.

Chapter Nine – Flotsam And Jetsam: The Ents get their inner Hulk on.

Chapter Ten – The Voice Of Saruman: Like Chocolate Rain, its both nice and creepy to hear.

Chapter Eleven – The Palantir: Magic objects should come with a Surgeon-General’s warning.

Book Four

Chapter One – The Taming Of Smeagol: Frodo takes in a stray and begs Sam, “Can we keep him?”

Chapter Two – The Passage Of The Marshes: The bogs are so exciting that Gollum decides to talk to himself.

Chapter Three – The Black Gate Is Closed: Too late, Frodo and Sam remember it’s a bank holiday in Mordor.

Chapter Four – Of Herbs And Stewed Rabbit: Thankfully, the chapter contains slightly more than a recipe for cheap stew.

Chapter Five – The Window On The West: “A Ring? Why the hell would I want a Ring?”

Chapter Six – The Forbidden Pool: It’s where the Gondorians go skinny-dipping.

Chapter Seven – Journey To The Cross-Roads: It’s a left, second right, then straight on to the decapitated King.

Chapter Eight – The Stairs Of Cirith Ungol: Frodo (emo), Gollum (openly treacherous) and Sam (insightful, yet dumb) take a break from walking to climb a little.

Chapter Nine – Shelob’s Lair: Luckily, Sam has a really big glass and a sheet of paper.

Chapter Ten – The Choices Of Master Samwise: Yeah. He “chooses” to kick the giant spiders ass.

The Return Of The King

Book Five

Chapter One – Minis Tirith: Scared Pippin, Brave Pippin, Serious Pippin, Rascaly Pippin, Depressed Pippin…

Chapter Two – The Passing Of The Grey Company: Grey not just in colour, but in mood.

Chapter Three – The Muster Of Rohan: Not as good as the “ketchu” of Rohan. Geddit. Ugh.

Chapter Four – The Siege Of Gondor: The Witch-King comes by to see Denethor, but the Steward is too busy going “Bibble”.

Chapter Five – The Ride Of The Rohirrim: If they had taken running tips from Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas, they wouldn’t even have needed horses.

Chapter Six – The Battle Of The Pelennor Fields: I suppose Merry could have been given a slightly more heroic moment then stabbing the bad guy in the calf.

Chapter Seven – The Pyre Of Denethor: I suppose Pippin could have been given a slightly more heroic moment then telling someone else to go and save the day.

Chapter Eight – The Houses Of Healing: Aragorn decides not the press his claim to the throne, then does it anyway. Not that Faramir, Eowyn and Merry are complaining.

Chapter Nine – The Last Debate: With the election only days away, Gandalf goes down the “insane plan” route to win. All the other candidates just seem to nod.

Chapter Ten – The Black Gate Opens: Sale now on! All Orcs must go! Free Emissary with every purchase, now with extra creepiness!

Book Six

Chapter One – The Tower Of Cirith Ungol: The Orcs, uncharacteristically, kill each other, allowing Sam to blunder towards success.

Chapter Two – The Land Of Shadow: Mordor really needs a better tourism tagline.

Chapter Three – Mount Doom: Frodo has an inappropriately timed change of heart while Gollum’s clumsy feet literally save the world.

Chapter Four – The Field Of Cormallen: Party time! Cheer up Legolas…

Chapter Five – The Steward And The King: “Aragorn’s a bum Eowyn, ditch him!”

Chapter Six – Many Partings: Goodbye Gondor. Goodbye Eomer. Goodbye Faramir. Goodbye Eowyn. Goodbye Rohan. Goodbye Arwen. Goodbye Gimli and Legolas. Goodbye Aragorn. Goodbye Elves. Goodbye Bilbo. Goodbye Elrond. I guess that is “many”.

Chapter Seven – Homeward Bound: Gandalf drops all pretense and just stops trying.

Chapter Eight – The Scouring Of The Shire: Wherein the Shire becomes a police state and for some reason everyone is surprised when Saruman is behind it.

Chapter Nine – The Grey Havens: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry….

One Last Word